Denoument

I spent so much time fighting to live, now that treatment is over I am left feeling the emotions I should have felt the entire time. Depressed and scared.

I am tired. My brain doesn't function properly. I worked so hard and there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I'm not old. I'm not even at mid life yet. I don't feel like I've been given a gift of extra time. I feel that I have had my life stolen away from me, and I still don't know if I am cancer free.

Sloan Kettering wants me to pay them $500.00 per month. Yeah. Sure. Here's a check. The problem is all the other medical facilities that lead me to MSK also want a shit load of money. Maybe I should have quit my job and become destitute. The Obama plan.

Why work so hard? Why care? No Christmas bonus. I still feel like shit and the world is still falling apart around me.

Cleaner

In my life and career, I am the Cleaner. Oh no, not the OCD floor scrubbing kind...more like the Harvey Kietel Pulp Fiction kind. I don't get rid of dead bodies exactly. However I clean up the messy files destroyed by co-workers AND I clean up the lives of people that make mistakes.

I used to think that I should have been a therapist. Then I would listen to problems, but not have to fix them. Yet, with all the BS from 2010, I want to take the focus off me and again focus on taking care of others. I miss dealing with other peoples' problems. I also miss charity work and fundraising. (Who would have thought).

I miss teaching too.

I have to get out of the spotlight and backstage again.

I am so saddened by the death of EE.

Physically I am feeling better, even though I am bald.

Emotionally I have been having a rough time with radiation, but I am starting to feel better. I went to the cancer support group. I haven't taken the xanax, but feel comforted that it is there.

I have joined Weight Watchers to lose that calzone. So far I am on day 3, woo hoo. I have to get to a meeting. I am following online. I didn't want to wait for a meeting to start. I have to lose 10, would love to lose 20 and dream of losing 30 pounds. according to WW I have to lose 80 pounds. Um, yeah, not realistic.

So this site hopefully will take a turn from LyMPhoma to Losing Mucho Pounds...

Tonight I made chocolate meringue cookies for the first time. Yeah, I ate the first tray.The first tray I dropped by the teaspoon. I figured the second tray I would do fancy, so it would look nice for a party tomorrow. I put the meringue in a ziploc bag and piped it onto the tray...much neater than the first tray. However, they look like poop.

Survived day 6. Tomorrow is a new day.

Day 5

I so want to change the name of my blog to All Chaps are Assless. I said this to a friend a few years ago and had the opportunity to say it again today and wow, what a high after such a low day. haha

I have nightmares every night, about really strange things.

I miss the fun dreams, like the one about Art sunbathing.

Today was ok. 1/4 of the way done. I am not sure how I am going to make it.

Day 4

Chris came with me for Day 4. I think the techs knew I was agitated, because the started annoucing the remaining minutes.

The other day I asked them about prostate cancer. I said, "So when someone has prostate cancer, do you just shoot them in the balls?" Tech said, "Yeah, pretty much."

This treatment bites. When I left, Chris got to see the impression on my chin from the mask. Boo mask.

I am desparately trying to lose these steriod pounds. I have attempted to join weight watchers, but the signup charged me but no access. Damn you. Guess I get to eat whatever I want today! HA!

I am hungry!

When my father died, I remember looking out the car window-realizing life just continued on around us, while time stopped for me. That's exactly how I feel now.

Survived day 3.

Radiation Day 2-nausea but doing OK

Radaition Day 1, Take 2

So I come to find out I did not have treatment yesterday. I had x rays. Bleah.

So things I hate about the Citta Cancer Center:

1. They call you over the intercom to come back for treatment.
2. They don't have the time I wanted for treatment. They close at 4, so I can't do treatment then. Also, there are apparently some old farts that have AM appointments with nothing to do all day, so I am stuck with lunch time. Frankly, I hate these old farts too and I know that I'm going to be punished for saying this but I hope they break a hip for being so selfish.
3. What's with the freaking leaf clean up and trying to run patients over.
4. Why do people smoke in the parking lot designated for cancer and cardiac patients?
5. At Sloan, the patient has the right of way. At CMC the staff try to run you over.
6. EMS should not be allowed to sit in patient changing room waiting areas.
7. The magazines suck.
8. The receiptionist is a ass.
9. I should have been advised not to clench my teeth when they made the mask. Now I can't breathe through my mouth or even swallow.

Edited to Add:

Why don't they freaking triage you before each treatment. Take my temp and BP so I feel like I matter and ask me if I have any problems. Jeez.

Radiation Day 1

I didn't realize the mask gets even tighter as it dries. Yeah, not fun.

I started to panic. I think I am going to ask them to cut the nose out, because I felt like my right nostril was squished. I cannot open my mouth at all. What happens if I get another cold? Now I am freaked. Maybe I should ask for some xanax.

I realize the other problem with radiation is that you're isolated. During chemo I would sit with Chris, check email, shop online and text. Radiation I am imprisoned and alone. It's going to be a long 20 days.

Sofia has croup again. Right now she is souped up on albuterol syrup. Yeah, glad I am not putting her to bed tonight.

Sofia is my everything. She is my reason for living. She is my life.

I am suffering from more nausea now than during chemo. I am not sure why.

I also think I am having a breakdown over radiation. Initially it seemed like no big deal. However, when I went to the consult I started to cry. Here I sit now crying, fearful of 20 days of having my head bolted down to a table.

I feel very alone. I "abandoned" friends, because I have no ability to focus, let alone remember to call people It's hard for people to understand, but talking makes me very tired. Facebook has been my only connection.

What is normal? When will things be normal again?

Am I going to need a stem cell transplant?

I went from Ab Fab in the AM to Hot mess in the PM via chardonnay

While I am grateful to have a nicely shaped head, this bald thing is getting old fast.

I think because I know I will again have hair someday, I have grown impatient. I look at women's hair, jealous. So bored by their laziness of ponytails. Saddened by their lack of keratin treatments and angry by their hideous roots.

I make the best of what I gots. I have my overpriced designer headscarves and gorgeous makeup. People that see me in my $600 wig probably don't know I am sick. Friends and family that see me au naturale cannot deny the beauty robbing life saving treatments of chemo.

I look at the world and think, people, you don't have to be ugly.

In my saddened state Sofia and I took off to Lord and Taylor with my charge card and coupon. I have acquired a new Jones New York Dress, Tahari Suit and Jessica Simpson shoes.

My depression continues today after reading an article in the news. An attorney has made several blatant misstatements to the press. Frankly, he lied.

I have no tolerance for this. My life has been drastically affected by liars during my lifetime. I had a friend's husband say that I told him his wife had an affair. She stopped talking to me, along with others in the group. I had no idea for several years what happened.

I had a friend steal money from an organization and lie that I was part of a republican conspiracy.

I know these people weren't really my friends.

I am tired of crazy, nasty people. I am tired of narcissism.

Today my office had a luncheon for me finishing chemo. Delish, but bittersweet.

First, I realize the journey is not over, by any means. My PET scan was delayed, because of Horizon Blue Cross.

Second, I am so scared I won't get better. I don't want to celebrate finish chemo, I want to celebrate something worth celebrating, like winning the lottery...

Also, my boss said to me that this will make me a better person. I replied that it won't. This has made me more cynical and I have developed a greater dislike of lazy people.

These emotions were exacerbated by a voicemail. I returned someone's call Thursday. Today I had a message from this person, asking why I never call her back and asking if I am mad at her. Well, I did call back AND from Friday until today I have mouth sores which made it difficult to talk.

Dear evil mouthsore...you suck. You suck bad. FU!

Dear God, It's not fair to Sofia for me to have cancer. Pleasure cure me so she can have a good life. Love, Angela

Watching TV

Dear Melissa Etheridge:

You are completely full of shit.

Love,
Angela

When does "It could be worse" become "I am happy this happened"?

Most of my life, my mother continually demanded that I NOT get any tattoos. Well, today I broke that promise. I was tattooed by radiation oncology in three places. Three tiny dots in a line across my body. So boring. I guess its like Orion's Belt. Not too exciting.

So, now if people ask if I have a tattoo, I will say, "Yes, a constellation!"

Sitting here with emla on my port, waiting for what I hope to be the last stick for the rest of my life.

I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER want to go through chemo again.

I am hoping that this part of the journey is over, forever.

I think Dr. Noy got mad at me, because I said her multi-colored goldfish look like Benefiber dog food.

Sofia will no longer have to hang at the Judge's house on Monday mornings. No more waking her up at 4:45 a.m. for us to begin our trek. Its been hard on my little family. Everyone has suffered, even our killer goldfish who I forget to feed.

This also means 5 day work weeks again...!

I keep thinking about a "friend" who ripped off the theater...why? I am heartbroken. I miss the person I THOUGHT you were:(

Cancer at 33? Really should have smoked weed and wreaked more havoc!

October 24, 2010 4:21 a.m.

Dear God,

I can take the hair loss. Throughout this process I have been able to experience some really awesome hairstyles that I woud not have intentionally tried. Even now, I am dealing well with rocking the alien freak look.

I can deal with the nausea. I have pills for that, and I find that whining to my husband may not make it go away, however, making him miserable brings me a little pleasure.

I got through the mouth sores. Sure, it hurt to eat, but I managed to inhale an entire calzone, whose melty creamy loveliness soothed my mouth and caused me to gain 8 pounds.

Oh yeah. I can take the steroids. I have posted about the pleasures. Cooking and home renovation marathons. Inappropriate happiness.

I really don't mind the chemo brain, except for when I can't figure out how to get home. But I eventually make it home.

BUT, no one warned me about a little known side effect: VICARIOUS CEMO INDUCED ALOPECIA BASED VOMITING! This is when you go in your daughter's room at 3 a.m. to comfort her, and just as she is falling back asleep, she chokes on your HAIR that fell out due to chemo and blows chunks exorcist style.

BOO!

Love,
Angela

Feeling very disconnected. Not sure what that means.

Predinose Taper

Before I started chemo, my deepest fear was the 3 months of prednisone.

I was afraid of agitation, sleeplessness and weight gain.

I guess I felt agitated, but I channeled it into happiness. Inappropriate happiness, and I enjoyed every minute. Prednisone days are days when I won't shut the hell up. However, I found that I only like talking to people in person. I do not like email, telephone or facebooking. I get very tired when multitasking and talking on the phone drains me.

The sleeplessness has been managed with benadryl. When I am sleepy I sleep. When I am wakey I wake.I fell asleep in the chair with Sofia earlier today. Chris woke me up at 9:30, so now I am up for several hours. Usually until midnight. I never sleep well the day before chemo.

I managed to maintain my weight during the treatments. I am hoping to try and lost 10 lbs when I am done. I have two more weeks of treatments and the carb cravings from the prednisone have been unbearable. After that losing battle with a calzone, I have really stuck to my guns. Although I shall confess I am eating leftover ziti from a dear friend that is really making me happy right now. Not something I normally do, but she used Barilla plus for me and its so yummo.

I have a bit of confusion in the brain from the chemo and I have problems with short term memory.

Now that I have embraced the roids, I was starting to fear the taper.

I just researched the tapering of prednisone and my taper is a few weeks long, so I am not scared. I am looking forward to uninterrupted sleep.

Needs

These are the shoes I wore to the scarf party

I need a pair of red shoes! It's next on my list.

I really love these impractical shoes:

Pukey and tired

Hair Story in Pictures

Before (on Honeymoon)



Luxurious Pregnancy Hair




Initial Chemo Cut



Second Chemo Cut

Scarf




Wig

I met with the radilogy oncologist @ CMC today. I brought someone with me, which was very helpful. I got lost driving home today from a meeting.

Productive steroid day! Hung up new blinds in bedroom and one of two sconces! Xoxo prednisone

So pukey!

Higher Power

My higher power is Super Higher Power Spanx, thank you very much. Two people asked me if I lost weight yesterday. NOPE. Spanx!

I love you Sara Blakely!

I would also live to RAVE about Bobbi Brown's gel eyeliner and cream eye shadow! This shiz-nit lasts all day!

I would also like to give a suggestion that MSK offer an air brush spray tan option after each chemo treatment.

I just ordered a sample of scalp makeup to hide the baldness. Statistically I still have more hair than most of the attorneys in my office, which isn't saying much about me or Lidia Bastianich.

Exhausted and anxious.

I have tried really hard to not let cancer limit me. However, this was a bad week. Week 3 of each cycle is the worst, maybe because of the oral etoposide on Tuesday after treatment.

I had a horrible Monday. The lab was slow. Chemo was delayed. Then the fight with Horizon, who did not want to approve my oral etoposide for Tuesday, despite it being on their formulary. Yeah. Filed a 110 page complaint with the Department of Banking and Insurance.

Wednesday I felt horrible. Thursday I stayed home from work. My new haircut is channeling Lidia Bastianich.

I am getting tired.

Sofia sang for the first time today, she sang the Caillou song. She was in perfect pitch. I am happy that my horrible singing has not rubbed off on her.

I think of all these brillian things to write, but then the thoughts fade. I have to start texting these nuggets of wisdom.

Yesterday I made the best dinner. Low carb blueberry pancakes, jicama homefries and vegetarian sausage. Yummy!

I believe that Sofia now has more hair than me. She taught me bald is beautiful.

I am wearing my wig today. I feel a little like a drag queen, except I'm missing those extra bits LOL.

Usually I get up and feed Sofia, get her dressed, converse in bizarro baby talk and then when Chris takes her to Goddard I go back to sleep until I naturally wake up. Today I didn't feel like sleeping and now at 10:30 I am paying the price!

I am EXHAUSTED!

In the honor of Dr. Noy, I am wearing an evening gown to work. LOL.

I am trying to figure out how to handle the upcoming radiation. Six weeks of radiation, possibly really far from home. If I stay somewhere close to there, I am so taking Sofia with me. I cannot bear to be apart from her.

Bald is...

So I woke up at 3 am in a coughing fit. A rogue hair went down my throat and it was making me gag.

I decided to wash my hair today, Yeah. Not much left now.

So I donned a scarf today and didn't feel self conscious. I almost wore my wig, but it feels phoney. I might just save the wig for when I glam it up at the mayor's ball next week.

So the tumor in my chest is completely gone. I am not sure if I posted that yet on here. It seems kinda surreal.

I want to scan in the photos of the xray, but our scanner at work isn't that great for photos.

I can sure as heck see why I had major chest pain.

I woke up with a pounding headache. I think it was allergies. Sofia is not sleeping well at all, and I feel like I'm no help. I just can't do it.

My brain is in a fog. I cannot concentrate and I forget everything. It's starting to get to me a little bit today. I think I need to sleep.

I don't want to give in to the need right now. I want to wait it out. Be a trooper and finish the work day. 1 hour 15 minutes to go.

I can do this...

The tumor in my chest is gone after 4 chemo treatments. I am going to try and scan in the results. I have lost 12 lbs of the 8 that I gain, so I am net negative 4 lbs. I would like to lose 7 more pounds and keep it off. I would be ecstatic to lost 17, but whenever I am that low I am not eating at all.

My hair is falling out hardcore.

I think I should schedule a back massage!

Diet Time

So I went crazy over the weekend and gained 8 lbs since Friday! So, I vow to watch the carbs. I ate a calzone over 2 days and a loaf of my famous sugar free banana bread. Yeah AND rice a roni over a friends house... which I have not consumed in years. So I have been ordered to lose the weight and I have a deal with my husband if I meet a goal....which only allows one cheat day on thanksgiving, when I plan to consume a ton of stuffing. Isoldmy soul for appliances.

I have, however, managed to poop 4 lbs today since I got home from MSK...

So, 4 lbs to go and I would like to lose another 10 after that.

Chemonesia

So today I was really tired and full of inappropriate happiness. Its like being punch drunk.

So, I drank an extra large coffee on my way to a board meeting. I offer to do the roll call and forgot peoples names. Then during another roll call I said my name and waited for myself to answer, and I forgot to answer. It really was idiotic. But the financials managed to pass the motion anyway and somehow I agreed to send two really awful legalesque letters.

I am craving a good vegetarian lasagna. Anyone know where I can get some or willing to make it for me? It seems like one of those things that will taste better if someone else makes it.

Chemo Beauty Tip

For glowing faux healthy skin, I completely recommend NARS The Multiple in Orgasm. I used something similiar from Estee Lauder that was discontinued. It took me 2 years to find a replacement and this product is even better. Before I got pregnant with Sofia, everyone kept asking me if I was pregnant, because I had that glow. When I was pregnant I felt like a goddess and now I appear to be one healthy looking cancer patient. Also, its really fun to tell people that your skin is glowing because of multiple orgasm!


If you get a really awesome textured short hair cut to psyche yourself into thinking you're keeping ahead of the hairloss, you MUST purchase Short Sexy Hair wax. This stuff is amazing. I am so coming back as a dude so I can permanently rock short hair. I like this cut so much, I am sad its going to fall out and I actually don't like my wig right now.

Word of the Day

Farkough-Simultaneous fart and cough by my beloved Sofia. Very entertaining for the whole family at 5 am when trying to get out the door to Sloan Kettering.

And if you say it really fast pre-Dunkin it sounds like Fuck Off.

Ode to Prednisone

Prednisone has many side effects. I am definitely experiencing the weight gain, in my midsection, of course. I have gained 2 lbs and its right in the middle of my body.

I have my moments of restlessness, which has included marathon cooking sessions, walking laps around the office, and a weird compulsion to purchase rollerskates and skate around Forked River. I like the energy burst and try to take advantage of them whenever I can.

I also have this weird compulsion to dance a jig. Its hard to describe. I will have to You Tube myself doing it. My secretary has had the unfortunate pleasure of watching my jig.

My all time favorite side effect is INAPPROPRIATE HAPPINESS. Hell, if you're going to have any side effect when you have cancer, this is the one to have and I LIKE IT A LOT!

Crunchy Mama

So, cancer has been the catalyst for some life changes that I have been contemplating for a while, but didn't have the motivation to implement.

I have further restricted my diet and now identify myself as a low carb pescetarian. Meat has turned me off for a while and I am enjoying the change. I still need to incorporate more vegetables into my diet, but it's coming along. The other day I made my own sugar free granola. I haven't done that in a while.

I went to yoga last night which was relaxing and amazing and I hope to continue going for the rest of my life. For now, just Thursdays on Water Street in Toms River. As predicted I spent 1/2 of the class fearful that I would fart and the other half I thought about the blog entry when I farted in yoga class.

I am going today to pick up my wig and get another haircut. I have started shedding hardcore.

Procrastination

I should be working a new appellate brief. So, figured I would blog instead.

My hair started to fall out this weekend, more yesterday, and quite a few strands in the shower this morning. It's actually comforting. It means the meds are working.

Sofia is mended and full of belly laughs again. However, not sleeping. I think me being out of the house seriously traumatized her. I think the lack of sleep is separation anxiety. I hope I never have to be apart from her again.

Not feeling so great. Nausea and fatigue.

Retail Therapy

Since I'm living the single life for a few days due to Sofia's sickness, I figured I would take advantage and go to the mall. Sofia scored a pair of Hello Kitty jeans and 7 summer dresses for next year. I also purchased a Coach scarf for my head, had a pretzle and sugar free Rita's Water Ice as a snack, and spent an hour looking at shoes.

General Whine

I have a tendency to only blog when I am feeling well. I am really tired now, tired to the bone.

I have had 2 treatments, and my blood counts were expected to go down by the end of this week. My right eye is blurry. I hope it's just from my comtact lenses.

I am quarantined from my house, until probably Saturday. Sofia has coxsackie virus. It's highly contagious and with my compromised immune system, I cannot be there. The oncologist's office said that the virus can even survive on surfaces, so the whole house is being disinfected with a bleach solution.

This whole experience brings out the best and worst in people. Special thanks to my family for being so supportive and understanding and helpful. My mom took off from work to watch Sofia for the remainder of the week, because Sofia is banned from daycare. My secretary's daughter is at my house now to relieve my mom. They called to tell me that Sofia just took 7 steps! I am so happy they were there to witness this, rather than daycare. It also tells me that Sofia is feeling a little better to be so adventurous.

Dear Sofia, I miss you with all my heart. It breaks without you...

Cancer is curable, stupid is not

I struggle sometimes with the stupid things people say to me. On the lymphoma forums someone started a post of the stupid things people say. Here are a few gems that I have experienced myself:

Can't they just cut it out?
You have the good cancer!
Can you smoke marajuana for the pain?
I am so sick over you being sick!
I thinking about making you some soup, but didn't get around to it.
You need blueberries, they have a lot of antioxidants.
Everything happens for a reason.
You're so strong. If anyone can beat it, you can.
You need to do yoga.
I know how you feel. I had a mole removed from my leg. It was benign.

Making Memories

I just observed a hospital worker eating a bagel with cream cheese and bacon. Frankly, I think its brilliant and I am so going to buy some vegetarian bacon to try it on my low carb bagels! Actually, I think I could go for some nice salty lox, and I think its time for a Trader Joe's run.

Sofia was up all night. Lack of communication caused Chris and I to both give her benadryl for her cold, thus resulting in a canceling out of the sleepiness side effect and we had a supercharged hallucinating baby. At one point around midnight she was laughing manically and bouncing up and down.

Her newest trick, a variation of the "Sofia Flop" (where she intentionally falls down on her ass) is to throw a pillow off the couch and dive bomb onto the floor face first. Yes, we have a gymnast. All these antics and she still refuses to walk.

We have regular conversations about religion and politics. She babbles and speaks with excellent comedic timing. Her current platform for Ocean County Clerk is la la la, pftttttttt, tick tock.

Sofia is a beacon of light in all this mess. She keeps me in check. Children are impressionable and do pick up on emotion. I am genuinely calm and serene and happy when I am with her. On our way to NYC today I was thinking while riding through the tunnel how in a few years, we won't remember all the details about our treks to NYC for cancer treatment. I won't remember the pictures hung in the cafeteria or the signs hawking silly bandz. We'll tell Sofia stories about how we dropped her off at 5 am in the dark at Uncle Skip and Aunt Jean's house, clutching her ladybug pillow pet, How she would sit on the bed with them and watch the news and play with their cats. How she got thrush from her pacifiers and we had to paint her lips with violet dye.

The long rides with Chris, fighting over each other's driving, listening to his Cliff Claven commentary about EVERYTHING.

It doesn't take long for people to forget.

I frequent a couple of forums. I am addicted to The Bump, but as the categories change, there are less posts. Right now I post on Toddler 12-24. It's easy for me to log on once a day and catch up on everything.

I started to go on a Hodgkins Lymphoma forum, and I found myself frustrated because there is no action on the board. Then i realized, hello? only 8K people are diagnosed a year, and how many would be on the forum?

I need a new forum that is active and interesting. Even Facebook, with my steroid induced insomnia does not meet my entertainment needs.

I probably should be doing something productive during this time...like billing.

Good News

I don't have any news, but I heard some good news today. A friend got a permanent job. It lit up my night.

It made me start thinking about how we act around people going through tough times. Last year a friend's husband passed, and afterwards, I was afraid to talk about good things in my life. I felt guilty.

I wonder if people also do that to cancer patients. Afraid to share their joy, because of our perceived misery. I can only speak for myself. I like to hear the good. Bring on the good people!

FML

I really hate the term FML. It was apparently started because of this scene in Superbad. I watched this movie with my Fall 2008 English 151 class to kill time while holding writing conferences. Yes, this is why I get fabulous reviews each term.

When I was waiting for a diagnosis I thought when it came back as Hodgkin's I would post on Facebook "Fuck Hodgkin's!"

Then when it happened, it didn't seem appropriate. It wasn't how I felt. I felt positive. I had a plan. The plan, of course, has had some hiccups. But, it's moving forward.

My Sofia is a shinging light of pooping giggling happiness throughout this time.

Lucky Friday the 13th!

New York is THE place to get chemo...where else can you buy Dunkin' and wine at a gas station?

I had scheduled a flow study and possibly revision of my port for Monday at Hudson Valley. However, MSK called and said they could do it Friday, so Friday it was! When I was called back from the waiting room, the nurse asked the usual: name, birthday and what I was there for. Well, revision was not on the calendar and I was heart broken.

Turns out in the end I didn't need a revision...and I had my first chemo.

Now I am tired and feel like I have the flu...

I can now cross going commando in nyc off my bucket list!

Things change daily. I am not scheduled for surgery on Friday afternoon at MSK for a port revision.

Then Monday I have chemo rescheduled again.

I am tired and in pain today.

Fingers crossed...

Lemon Meringue Pie in the Face

People don't plan cancer, and I am learning very quickly that you cannot plan the treatment. I am so focused on the chemo countdown, and planning after chemo events. Now that the date of recovery is pushed back again I realize maybe I might not be cured for Christmas. Cancer-you're fucking up my 5 year plan.

So, I held my breath until I saw the doctor, and sighed that I would be getting chemo. However, the nurse could not get a blood pullback when she flushed the port. This went on for a while. Then several heparin flushes. Then another nurse to give it a shot.

Then a larger needle. More saline flushes. More heparin. More pushing. Tape, cotton and finally a call for a clotbuster, atalayse aka TPA.

That med sits in the line for an hour. No luck. Same routine of saline, heparin, and flushing. Fluid goes in-no blood out.

It was too late for a flow study, so I have to go back tomorrow. I got a script for the flow study.

The surgeon who put the port in is on vacation, so he is not available to "tickle" me. My aunt's contact at MSK called last night and said to have the doctor rewrite the order for study and possible revision.

Boo.

This may be done tomorrow. It is becoming harder for me to find the silver lining in these delays. I know someone else in a rush for a cure. Maybe we are supposed to slow down.

Hopefully this post will help me sleep.

Sebastian has failed me.

Rules for Chemo Day

1. I am always right, all day, no matter how nonsensical I may sound.

2. All other drivers on the road suck, even if the near miss is my fault.

3. Lady Gaga Bad Romance is my cancer theme song. It should play repeatedly on the iPod to calm me. The occasional Blacked Eye Peas I've Got a Feeling is allowed. When in doubt refer to Gaga. I have an OCD with music while driving and I can listen to the same song 15,000 times.

4. Even though I generally drink a large iced coffee with extra cream, sometimes I will, on rare occasions, change it up and order a hot coffee. No Dunkin Donuts man, an alien did not take over my body as a spawn pod. Sometimes I do change it up. See Rule 3 re: Black Eyed Peas.

5. I love my Toyota.

6. Number 5 is technically not a Rule; however, see Rule Number 1.

Life may not be puppies and rainbows, but right now a percocet and a sugar free krunch klondike bar are coming really close!

I can't sleep. I am convinced that I will not get chemo tomorrow. Each time it is delayed I feel like people must think I am a liar and I don't really have cancer.

Sofia is feeling better, and she is so freaking adorable! She actually has a sense of humor, which I find amusing and intriguing. She also started to read the words on the My Baby Can Read commercial, so now I believe she is a baby genius!

I hate when people say I am strong. I am not strong. Sometimes I am falling apart not strong. Sometimes I am super depressed not strong. Sometimes I am a hot mess not strong.

However, right now I am percocet and klondike strong!

Statistics

Since Hodgkin's Lymphoma accounts for less than 1% of all cancer cases per year and 1 in 38,375,818 Americans will have Hodgkin's lymphoma this year, I decided I won the cancer lottery.

The chance of me winning the Mega Millions Lottery is one in 175,711,536. However the chance of me getting 5 numbers and winning $250,000 is only 3,904,700. So, in the big scheme of things, I am so going to be able to pay off my student loans via the lottery!

If I win the big mega millions I have a mental list of people who I will help. First and foremost is this poor guy, Joe. Joe is a client of the firm who has lost everything, including his waterfront house. Joe, if I win the jackpot, I am buying you back your house.

I also have a mental list of who I won't help, including but not limited to certain annoying people and HOFSTRA LAW SCHOOL!

Why do I care so much about Joe? I don't know. He did show up at my wedding and cried, and that really touched me. I just adore him. I wish he was my Dad.

So I bought a ticket last night, with 4 quarters from the bottom of my bag. I got one number. Screw you NJ Lotto and screw you Yolanda Vega!

Flight rescheduled

Ok, again I am set to appear at the gate at 8:45 on Monday. Hopefully this is it!

My positive spin to this delay is I have one week left to diet BEFORE I end up on prednisone. I am hoping to lose 100 lbs this week? Think I can do it?

Sofia has reduced me to cat napping in the conference room while the big boss is having lunch in the kitchen. I listen for his footsteps as I snooze.

I had two awful thoughts about these purported additional abnormal cells:

a) I have a bizarre combination of Hodgkin's and Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I'm going to die. Fast. and Sofia will have no Mommy. Yes, I cried a lot.

and

b) I am actually ok and I lose my $300 wig deposit. Yes, I cried. A lot.

So in the end I'm back at status quo. Wig and chemo still on track. Sofia still has a mommy, and I'm on a diet. Anyone up for a cheeseburger and diet coke?

Actually I gave up meat. I did well until that Turkey club on Friday, forgetting that a club has not only turkey, which I didn't give up yet but bacon, which I did give up. I decided that the mayonnaise negated the bacon and I was in the clear.

For now hummus and veggies!

Flight rescheduled and no comps!

I am full of anxiety! Ring phone ring!

Flight CD30 has been delayed

Although the pathology report from Northwestern University tested positive for Hodgkin's Lymphoma, MSK has found some additional unidentified abnormal cells. These cells need to be identified before I start chemo...

I tried to be very positive after the initial delay. However, I confessed to the nurse that I am not feeling well and I lost my drive.

Simply stated, I am in pain. Nothing helps: ice, heat, tylenol, and now the newly prescribed percocet.

Last night I took some Aleve and I did get some relief! I am not supposed to take Aleve...but I went out and bought some. I think Ursula's expanding waistline is pushing on a nerve or something. Damn you Ursula.

I have been in a bad mood all day. I am angry I have no control over this, over my body. I am supposed to call MSK between 1 and 2 pm tomorrow to see if I can come up and get chemo. I was supposed to go at 8 am.

I am anticipating the worst. Now trying to hope for the best.

Sofia is also very sick, possibly with strep and that is not helping. Driving back from the doctor yesterday I just started to cry. No one will love Sofia like me. No one will take care of her like me.

I hope that the treatment plan gets back on track.

Sebastian

Children are fascinated by Sebastian.

A girl at Sofia's school pointed to it and tried to grab it. I told her that it was a boo boo and not to touch. So now whenever she sees me she says "Boo Boo!" and points to me. Sofia now calls me BooBoo.

Yesterday Sofia full on grabbed Sebastian and yanked. Chris then yelped and said I could have a blood clot. Now I'm afraid it's dislodged and I'm going to die of a pulmonary embolism.

I keep thinking I would like to keep him forever. I can't imagine being deported.

Cancer is Expensive!

Ok, so I went to the wig shop today and put a down payment on a wig. They need to have some financing incentives!

Contents Under Pressure

I am trying to be optimistic and upbeat.

However, I have to admit, I hurt. I guess it's pressure from the mediastinal mass. My ribs, my neck, my back, my shoulder. All of this has been hurting for months. It's different from the pain from that stupid truck that rearended me in October. I feel like a lasagna of pain!

Sofia was not feeling well last night and went I got home from the planning board meeting she puked her dinner on me. Ham and cheese omlet.

I got her in the bath and rocked her to sleep. Then I thought how I really don't feel well, and really I took advatage of my stamina to hold her all night when she is sick.

Flip Floppin'

Whenever I wear these shoes I trip all over the place. So, brilliantly, I decided to wear them to my Monday NYC MSK trek. I was walking slowly and Hubby kept asking if I was ok, because I refused to cross the street before the walk sign blinked.

I explained that I was walking cautiously because I fall over in these shoes.

He promptly called me Agador Spartacus! I so love that he is Republican and can make references to The Birdcage!

Pause

I feel like cancer has put my life on pause.

I will admit that I was disappointed that my treatment has been postponed a week. However, a new Angela emerged. I was patient and calm and did not mind the mix up.

Who is this person?

I did have a day of testing instead and I feel better informed about Stanford V.

Random Deep Thoughts by Angie-Rubberbangie

First, MSK totally rocks for having free wifi. Especially since I forgot to charge my blackberry.

If you're going to have a bone marrow biopsy, totally wear funky leopard underwear and then forget your are wearing them. Then during the procedure you'll wonder the whole time what underwear you're wearing and totally forget the fact that someone is stabbing you in the ass.

Lack of sleep and my husband's driving totally make me nauseous. So, when I say the chemo made me sick, remind me that it was truly Sofia teething and a certain Jersey driver.

It is perfectly acceptable to get an $80 pedicure. You don't need to be on chemo. Treat yourself right.

I plan to dress like a slutty drag queen at my I beat cancer party.

Despite the fact that I am an elected official of the Republican party, I plan to continue to drop F bombs on this site and dress like a slutty drag queen.

I really did think that the lymphatic message and seaweed wrap would cure Ursula. FYI shoving seaweed up your ass does not cure cancer.

Yesterday I gave up red meat.

I told my mom that I was contemplating becoming a lacto-ovo vegetarian during treatment. She brought over an amish farmer, a chicken and a cow!

Makeover

On Thursday I ambushed Angelica of Bella Capelli to help me do my chemo hair transition. She penciled me in for Friday and here is her creation. This is her interpretation of Paris Hilton's bob, and I absolutely love it. I commented while she was washing my hair that I wanted her body too. Angelica commented that she would rather have her money. I agreed. Give me the dough and then I'll buy that body!

I would have never got my hair cut like this if I wasn't facing imminent follicular doom. However, I may just wear it like this when my hair grows back. My only sadness is that I may only have this fab cut for a few weeks. Why is beauty so fleeting?

Continuing my weekend o' beauty was a really expensive seaweed pedicure at Simply Skin. I thought I would regret spending so much money; however, it was pure bliss and my callouses have been eradicated! A fete for all mankind...

Memory

I often frustrate my husband and my boss because I can't remember anything.

So I suffered from pregnancy brain, now baby brain, and I hear that I will also be contracting chemo brain.

I just hope I remember to put my pants on before I go out the door. Can you imagine all those nightmares about going to school naked coming true?

Props to Heidi

Heidi is the owner of Solstice Tanning in Toms River, NJ.

She does custom blended spray tanning, which I love!

Heidi sprayed me for a Kentucky Derby party, and I subsequently developed a rash on my hands and my feet. I convinced myself that Judge Hoffmann sentenced me to poison ivy. I was mad at Judge Hoffman.

However, the next time I got sprayed, for my big disaster Bermuda cruise, I had a rash again on my hands and feet. So, I felt guilty for being a Hoffmann hater and depressed that my spray tanning was over.

However, now I believe that my rashes are the Hodgkin's itch! I have a head to toe rash, and I freaking itch all over.

Today I popped in to see Heidi and she did a test spray on my thigh. If my theory is correct I will be one tanned, glowing cancer hottie!

Virtual Makeover

So I am toying what to do with the hair sitch-e-ation.

Hubby suggested that many people find it empowering to shave the head right away. So NOT happening here.

I decided to get my hair cut shorter and then I will do the wig thang.

This is my ideal wig:



or this:



I am considering this as an interim cut:



before I go to this:



and I am SO getting overpriced extensions to look like this when it's all over!

Archive

I received a private message on The Bump from a woman asking me how I was diagnosed. I figured I would save a copy here in case anyone else asks and I don't have to type all this crap again:

On May 25th I felt a lymph node above my collarbone during a public meeting. Can you imagine, I was sitting up there looking at the audience and felt a lump.

I had just taken antibiotics and I didn't finish them, so I thought that might be why. I went to the doctor and she gave me 2 more rounds of antibiotics. It never went away.

I was scheduled for a thyroid ultrasound, because I have thyroid nodules. I wrote on the presription "and neck mass" because I wanted it looked at and I didn't want to deal with getting another script.

The US report came back that the node should be biposied. So, I make an appointment with my Endocrinologist, but couldn't get in until July 12th. On Monday, June 21st I called my daughter's ENT group and they saw me that day and scheduled me for a biopsy under ultrasound. The biopsy was scheduled for June 28th. The ENT put down I was to have a FNA (fine needle biposy) and they couldn't do that on the node because it was too hard. They ended up doing a core biopsy on the node.

I was scheduled to get the results on July 5th. However, I didn't want to wait that long and had the results sent to my regular doctor. The hospital only send the FNA results and not the core results. I didn't realize. These results were negative.

I saw the ENT on July 5th and she said everything was benign. I found out later it was not benign. The core biopsy results showed classical Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I was scheduled for surgery to remove the node for July 13th. I asked for a chest xray at the advice of my husband and friend who is a doctor. I had the chest xray on July 7th. On July 7th my ENT got the chest xray results. On July 8th I saw the ENT for my pre-operative visit. She did not mention the chest xray. On July 9th my regular doctor called me about the chest xray and said I had to come immediately.

I went in and she told me she was sending me for an emergency chest CT, because I had an 8cm chest mass. I had that test. The tech was very nice, said it was probably a shadow. However, his demenor after the test let me know it wasn't a shadow. Before I got the CT I left a message for the ENT, stating that I was going for an emergency CT and wanted to know if I should go for additional testing. While I was in for the CT the ENT's office left me a message, stating that I should't bother with the CT and just go forward with the surgery.

After the CT I called my husband. I then went to his office to talk about everything. Initially we planned to go to the Univeristy of Pennsylvania emergency room. Then he spoke with a doctor's office there and they said to send everything over and they would call me Monday. Later in the day he spoke with another oncologist at Memorial Sloan Kettering in New York. They also said to fax the documents and they would call me Monday. At 5 pm on that day they called me back and asked me to come Tuesday that week for testing and Wednesday for more testing and then to see the doctor.

I asked about the surgery. They said absolutely not, they had enough for a diagnosis. That's when it hit me.

So on July 13th I had a PET scan and on July 14th I had an echocardiogram and a pulmonary test. Later that day I had my appointment with the doctor. I was with the doctors for several hours. The first doctor came in, Dr. Stein and I initially thought that I was ok and that's why the big wig didn't come in. He asked me lots of questions about my symptoms. I explained to him everything. He asked me if anyone told me what I had. I said no, but I think I have Hodgkin's lymphoma.

Dr. Stein said ok, and left the room. He then came back in with Dr. Noy and she told me that I have Hodgkin's lymphoma. Dr. Noy looked at me and then said she was running behind and had to go across the hall for a bone marrow biopsy. I said OK, not realizing the bone marrow biopsy was for me.

Then we went back and spoke for over an hour about the prognosis, the treatment and the complications with infertility. I decided to do a Stanford V regimin of chemotherapy and radiation.

The next day I had to go for an abdominal and pelvic CT for staging.

On July 19th I had a power port inserted for the chemo. I start chemo on Monday the 26th. I will have 12 weeks of chemo and the 30 days of radiation.

I am going to work as long as I can. My office is being flexible at this point. Right now I am just taking off on Mondays for the chemo.

Sofia rolled over, snuggled her butt into my chest and farted. I think I found the cure for cancer!

My Spoils

Numbers

I wonder if all cancer patients try to find meaning and connections during their time of illness.

June 14th was a bad day. Then a month later, July 14th, I was diagnosed with cancer. Now I am seriously focusing on my cousin having her love bundle on August 14th to break the chain of disaster.


Dear Love Bundle,
You will bring great joy to your parents if you make your appearance, however, I will spoil the sh*t out of you if you come a day early on August 14th.
Love,
Cousin Angie

I had Sebastian installed on July 19th, the 16th anniversary of my father's death, so I find it a symbolic death of cancer. Sofia was born on June 19th, so is it a rebirth of myself?

I guess when you think about it logically, at a maximum, there are 31 days in a month. So, dates are bound to coincide.

However, what the fuck is logical about cancer?

Tomorrow there is no going back. Sebastian is inserted and I start the road to recovery. I feel like crap. I have a fever.

Cancer Card

On Friday I was duly permitted to become a card carrying member of the Cancer Card Club by a lovely Deputy Attorney General. I, in fact, had utilized this power earlier in the morning when I arrived at Chancery. I had to carry a large box of binders and decidedly illegally parked in front of the Court. I opened the door and announced to the sheriff, "Can I leave this here, I have cancer." He said, "Yes." However, my plans were foiled when my sister-in-law popped her head out (we're on the same case) and I burst out crying. Damn it!

So, I had the opportunity to utilize this new superpower twice yesterday.

Scene: Toms River 7th Annual Ice Cream Festival. Mom is having problems ripping her ticket off for her next sample...

Mom: I can't get the ticket off.
Me: Are you retarded?
Mom: Angela Marie, it's not perforated. You're mean.
Me: Leave me alone, I have cancer.

See, the effectiveness of this exchange is that I was able to thwart years of mother/daughter angst and drama from exploding on Washington Street.

Scene: Saturday night dinner. I purchased a lovely sugar free birthday cake (for no reason) from Stop and Shop.

Hubby: I am going to have some cake.
Me: Don't eat the flower.
Hubby: Why?
Me: I want it.
Hubby: That's not right, you don't want any cake.
Me: I want it later.
Hubby pouts.
Me: I have cancer.

Here the Cancer Card allowed me to preserve my future cake rights for gluttonous sugar free indulgence.

Go Deputy Attorney General!

So many offers of help. Anyone up for the midnight shift for a distressed teething Fifi?:s

Angiepedia

Lymphomaniac-individual with enlarged lymph node obsessed with web md, wikepedia, cancer forums, and harassing doctor friends in Center City for information to self diagnose

Lemon Meringue Pie-LyMPhoma

Ursula-right subclavicular enlarged lymphnode

Little Mermaid-super smart oncologist

Sebastian-Powerport

Pass the OJ

I am sitting an my Aunt's house, waiting for her to get home from work so that we can go to Manhattan to get my Pet Scan before the big visit at Sloan Kettering tomorrow.

My Aunt played my films on her computer. It was kinda cool to look at the slices of my body from the cat scan and see this giant orange appear on the screen. Jen-nay asked me if it's juicy...

When I called her to go with me, I didn't realize that she had to work the overnight shift. I feel very loved.

I slept well last night for the first time in a long time, which is because I didn't have my little Fifi to wake me up. I miss her desperately.