180

This time last year I was bald and suffering. I was in the midst of radiation, each day laying on that table with tears streaming down my face. I watch HOUSE performing tests on patients and see the doctors watching the patient's face on the monitor. I have a perspective of what the radiation techs saw when I was laying on the table. Me, bald, with tears rolling down my cheeks into my ears. My ears would actually clog with tears.

I would finish radiation, go to work, throw up and get through the day, only to start it all over again the next alone at the hospital.

I knew the treatments would eventually finish. Each day was harder than the last. I was so traumatized by the experience, but I didn't realize it until I heard the word remission. I believe I had PTSD.

So, I had to stop blogging, because I had to get away from the cancer and the treatments. Cancer stole my life and my identity. I lost a year of my life.

I am grateful. I am happy. But again through the healing process I am ready to chronicle this experience to help others and to help myself.

I was on facebook the other day skimming an article about post-cancer depression. Now I'm searching furiously through old posts so I can find it and repost the link here.

In February, 2011 when I was declared to be in remission I ended my blog. Why? Because I entered into a depression and felt that I needed to escape the cancer. However, cancer cannot be ignored. I suffered silently for many months. Then there was a definining moment that lead to me getting a new job which was the springboard to self healing. I was living life as opposed to just getting by.

I wanted to run from the cancer, but it's part of who I am. Cancer stole my identity. I am angry. I hate you cancer.

Denoument

I spent so much time fighting to live, now that treatment is over I am left feeling the emotions I should have felt the entire time. Depressed and scared.

I am tired. My brain doesn't function properly. I worked so hard and there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I'm not old. I'm not even at mid life yet. I don't feel like I've been given a gift of extra time. I feel that I have had my life stolen away from me, and I still don't know if I am cancer free.

Sloan Kettering wants me to pay them $500.00 per month. Yeah. Sure. Here's a check. The problem is all the other medical facilities that lead me to MSK also want a shit load of money. Maybe I should have quit my job and become destitute. The Obama plan.

Why work so hard? Why care? No Christmas bonus. I still feel like shit and the world is still falling apart around me.

Cleaner

In my life and career, I am the Cleaner. Oh no, not the OCD floor scrubbing kind...more like the Harvey Kietel Pulp Fiction kind. I don't get rid of dead bodies exactly. However I clean up the messy files destroyed by co-workers AND I clean up the lives of people that make mistakes.

I used to think that I should have been a therapist. Then I would listen to problems, but not have to fix them. Yet, with all the BS from 2010, I want to take the focus off me and again focus on taking care of others. I miss dealing with other peoples' problems. I also miss charity work and fundraising. (Who would have thought).

I miss teaching too.

I have to get out of the spotlight and backstage again.

I am so saddened by the death of EE.

Physically I am feeling better, even though I am bald.

Emotionally I have been having a rough time with radiation, but I am starting to feel better. I went to the cancer support group. I haven't taken the xanax, but feel comforted that it is there.

I have joined Weight Watchers to lose that calzone. So far I am on day 3, woo hoo. I have to get to a meeting. I am following online. I didn't want to wait for a meeting to start. I have to lose 10, would love to lose 20 and dream of losing 30 pounds. according to WW I have to lose 80 pounds. Um, yeah, not realistic.

So this site hopefully will take a turn from LyMPhoma to Losing Mucho Pounds...

Tonight I made chocolate meringue cookies for the first time. Yeah, I ate the first tray.The first tray I dropped by the teaspoon. I figured the second tray I would do fancy, so it would look nice for a party tomorrow. I put the meringue in a ziploc bag and piped it onto the tray...much neater than the first tray. However, they look like poop.

Survived day 6. Tomorrow is a new day.