180

This time last year I was bald and suffering. I was in the midst of radiation, each day laying on that table with tears streaming down my face. I watch HOUSE performing tests on patients and see the doctors watching the patient's face on the monitor. I have a perspective of what the radiation techs saw when I was laying on the table. Me, bald, with tears rolling down my cheeks into my ears. My ears would actually clog with tears.

I would finish radiation, go to work, throw up and get through the day, only to start it all over again the next alone at the hospital.

I knew the treatments would eventually finish. Each day was harder than the last. I was so traumatized by the experience, but I didn't realize it until I heard the word remission. I believe I had PTSD.

So, I had to stop blogging, because I had to get away from the cancer and the treatments. Cancer stole my life and my identity. I lost a year of my life.

I am grateful. I am happy. But again through the healing process I am ready to chronicle this experience to help others and to help myself.

I was on facebook the other day skimming an article about post-cancer depression. Now I'm searching furiously through old posts so I can find it and repost the link here.

In February, 2011 when I was declared to be in remission I ended my blog. Why? Because I entered into a depression and felt that I needed to escape the cancer. However, cancer cannot be ignored. I suffered silently for many months. Then there was a definining moment that lead to me getting a new job which was the springboard to self healing. I was living life as opposed to just getting by.

I wanted to run from the cancer, but it's part of who I am. Cancer stole my identity. I am angry. I hate you cancer.