Day 5

I so want to change the name of my blog to All Chaps are Assless. I said this to a friend a few years ago and had the opportunity to say it again today and wow, what a high after such a low day. haha

I have nightmares every night, about really strange things.

I miss the fun dreams, like the one about Art sunbathing.

Today was ok. 1/4 of the way done. I am not sure how I am going to make it.

Day 4

Chris came with me for Day 4. I think the techs knew I was agitated, because the started annoucing the remaining minutes.

The other day I asked them about prostate cancer. I said, "So when someone has prostate cancer, do you just shoot them in the balls?" Tech said, "Yeah, pretty much."

This treatment bites. When I left, Chris got to see the impression on my chin from the mask. Boo mask.

I am desparately trying to lose these steriod pounds. I have attempted to join weight watchers, but the signup charged me but no access. Damn you. Guess I get to eat whatever I want today! HA!

I am hungry!

When my father died, I remember looking out the car window-realizing life just continued on around us, while time stopped for me. That's exactly how I feel now.

Survived day 3.

Radiation Day 2-nausea but doing OK

Radaition Day 1, Take 2

So I come to find out I did not have treatment yesterday. I had x rays. Bleah.

So things I hate about the Citta Cancer Center:

1. They call you over the intercom to come back for treatment.
2. They don't have the time I wanted for treatment. They close at 4, so I can't do treatment then. Also, there are apparently some old farts that have AM appointments with nothing to do all day, so I am stuck with lunch time. Frankly, I hate these old farts too and I know that I'm going to be punished for saying this but I hope they break a hip for being so selfish.
3. What's with the freaking leaf clean up and trying to run patients over.
4. Why do people smoke in the parking lot designated for cancer and cardiac patients?
5. At Sloan, the patient has the right of way. At CMC the staff try to run you over.
6. EMS should not be allowed to sit in patient changing room waiting areas.
7. The magazines suck.
8. The receiptionist is a ass.
9. I should have been advised not to clench my teeth when they made the mask. Now I can't breathe through my mouth or even swallow.

Edited to Add:

Why don't they freaking triage you before each treatment. Take my temp and BP so I feel like I matter and ask me if I have any problems. Jeez.

Radiation Day 1

I didn't realize the mask gets even tighter as it dries. Yeah, not fun.

I started to panic. I think I am going to ask them to cut the nose out, because I felt like my right nostril was squished. I cannot open my mouth at all. What happens if I get another cold? Now I am freaked. Maybe I should ask for some xanax.

I realize the other problem with radiation is that you're isolated. During chemo I would sit with Chris, check email, shop online and text. Radiation I am imprisoned and alone. It's going to be a long 20 days.

Sofia has croup again. Right now she is souped up on albuterol syrup. Yeah, glad I am not putting her to bed tonight.

Sofia is my everything. She is my reason for living. She is my life.

I am suffering from more nausea now than during chemo. I am not sure why.

I also think I am having a breakdown over radiation. Initially it seemed like no big deal. However, when I went to the consult I started to cry. Here I sit now crying, fearful of 20 days of having my head bolted down to a table.

I feel very alone. I "abandoned" friends, because I have no ability to focus, let alone remember to call people It's hard for people to understand, but talking makes me very tired. Facebook has been my only connection.

What is normal? When will things be normal again?

Am I going to need a stem cell transplant?

I went from Ab Fab in the AM to Hot mess in the PM via chardonnay

While I am grateful to have a nicely shaped head, this bald thing is getting old fast.

I think because I know I will again have hair someday, I have grown impatient. I look at women's hair, jealous. So bored by their laziness of ponytails. Saddened by their lack of keratin treatments and angry by their hideous roots.

I make the best of what I gots. I have my overpriced designer headscarves and gorgeous makeup. People that see me in my $600 wig probably don't know I am sick. Friends and family that see me au naturale cannot deny the beauty robbing life saving treatments of chemo.

I look at the world and think, people, you don't have to be ugly.

In my saddened state Sofia and I took off to Lord and Taylor with my charge card and coupon. I have acquired a new Jones New York Dress, Tahari Suit and Jessica Simpson shoes.

My depression continues today after reading an article in the news. An attorney has made several blatant misstatements to the press. Frankly, he lied.

I have no tolerance for this. My life has been drastically affected by liars during my lifetime. I had a friend's husband say that I told him his wife had an affair. She stopped talking to me, along with others in the group. I had no idea for several years what happened.

I had a friend steal money from an organization and lie that I was part of a republican conspiracy.

I know these people weren't really my friends.

I am tired of crazy, nasty people. I am tired of narcissism.

Today my office had a luncheon for me finishing chemo. Delish, but bittersweet.

First, I realize the journey is not over, by any means. My PET scan was delayed, because of Horizon Blue Cross.

Second, I am so scared I won't get better. I don't want to celebrate finish chemo, I want to celebrate something worth celebrating, like winning the lottery...

Also, my boss said to me that this will make me a better person. I replied that it won't. This has made me more cynical and I have developed a greater dislike of lazy people.

These emotions were exacerbated by a voicemail. I returned someone's call Thursday. Today I had a message from this person, asking why I never call her back and asking if I am mad at her. Well, I did call back AND from Friday until today I have mouth sores which made it difficult to talk.

Dear evil mouthsore...you suck. You suck bad. FU!

Dear God, It's not fair to Sofia for me to have cancer. Pleasure cure me so she can have a good life. Love, Angela

Watching TV

Dear Melissa Etheridge:

You are completely full of shit.

Love,
Angela

When does "It could be worse" become "I am happy this happened"?

Most of my life, my mother continually demanded that I NOT get any tattoos. Well, today I broke that promise. I was tattooed by radiation oncology in three places. Three tiny dots in a line across my body. So boring. I guess its like Orion's Belt. Not too exciting.

So, now if people ask if I have a tattoo, I will say, "Yes, a constellation!"

Sitting here with emla on my port, waiting for what I hope to be the last stick for the rest of my life.

I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER want to go through chemo again.

I am hoping that this part of the journey is over, forever.

I think Dr. Noy got mad at me, because I said her multi-colored goldfish look like Benefiber dog food.

Sofia will no longer have to hang at the Judge's house on Monday mornings. No more waking her up at 4:45 a.m. for us to begin our trek. Its been hard on my little family. Everyone has suffered, even our killer goldfish who I forget to feed.

This also means 5 day work weeks again...!